Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
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