my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
mondays should just be called national damage control day
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I think I just sharted jello shots
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