I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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