I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
