Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
