dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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