uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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