It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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