There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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