i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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