you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
