So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
