I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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