I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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