and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
