you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
