I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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