I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
