the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
