This is not my ceiling
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
That accounts for only three of the penises
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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