And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
