ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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