apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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