Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
