Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
