I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
