so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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