One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
