Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
We talked him into tasing himself.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize