In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Just pee around me
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
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