I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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