I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
You can't special order awesome
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
