i need an iv and a liver transplant
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
