We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
