when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize