11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Randomize
