Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
