First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
