my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
My vagina just recognized that song.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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