is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
