She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
