Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
