I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
