You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
