First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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