I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
