the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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