I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I'm getting married
To pizza
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
