How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize