Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
