The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
