obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
