i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
