How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
