i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
