the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Randomize
