i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
