So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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